Westboro Baptist Church says Steve Jobs is ‘in hell,’ threatens 30 minute picket of Apple (AAPL) HQ

Always ready to supply an ample helping of cognitive dissonance, the Westboro Baptist Church issued a statement yesterday evening that Apple Inc. (NASDAQ:AAPL) founder Steve Jobs is roasting eternally in hell, while airily praising the effectiveness of the iPhone and iPad in helping the Church manage its affairs. In fact, the WBC’s “God Hates Media” screed contradicts itself by saying that God placed Mr. Jobs on the Earth so that he could provide the technology needed for Westboro to spread its message.

Summoning up visions of prophets calling down righteous wrath upon the head of various unbelievers and mockers, the WBC threatens a full 30 minutes of picketing outside Apple’s Cupertino headquarters on August 12th, 2014. Though a half-hour of picketing does not exactly correspond to most people’s ideas of the “Wrath of God,” the WBC evidently feels this will constitute an effective smiting of the Satanic forces of Apple, Inc. (AAPL).

The picket is slated to occur between 1:15 and 1:45 P.M, perhaps so as not to interfere with the lunch needed to strengthen the resolve of the Church’s crusaders, and perhaps to strengthen their arms as well. Holding up clusters of signs declaring Westboro’s loathing of the United States, the soldiers who protect them, and so forth, is undoubtedly work requiring a protein-rich meal as preparation.

With characteristic class and style, the Church’s “God Hates Apple” page notes that Mr. Jobs currently has a message for the whole world, which consists of the following: “REPENT! Or join me in these everlasting flames.”

Where and how Westboro conducted the interview with Mr. Jobs is not specified.

The message is blunted somewhat by the fact that the writer digresses into a statement that Mr. Jobs was “created in his mother’s womb” for the express purpose of making “these Apple products so that Westboro Baptist Church can use them today to preach.” The logic of this contrast is somewhat elusive, as it is unclear if the WBC believes that Mr. Jobs is being tortured in hell for assisting the Church in spreading its message, or if he did in fact do the Lord’s work instead, or if his work is demonic and the WBC is therefore deliberately using instruments of the Devil to further their cause.

After this epiphany of confusion, the writer quotes the following biblical passage, apparently unaware of the irony involved in employing it immediately after stating that the Westboro Baptist Church can use Apple’s (AAPL) inventions to preach:

“Thus they were defiled with their own works, and went a-whoring with their own inventions.”